5 replies to this topic

[Kane]

Over on the REHcomicsgroup Dale Rippke posted some of his "notations" while he was working on Conan chronology. He's kindly given me permission to post it here in its entirety.

A couple of years ago, during the research for my Darkstorm Conan
Chronology, I continually deconstructed every Conan story I could
get my hands on in various mind-numbing ways in an effort to
understand the Cimmerian enough to actually attempt the damned
thing. The result was several yellow legal pads full of notes about
Conan and his would and how it seemed to all fit together. Along the
borders I would occasionally insert a snarky comment or two for my
own amusement. I was going over the research material the other day
and some of these comment were pretty funny, although a few are
mildly raunchy. I've decided to share it with y'all.

I'm calling it:


EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE CONAN TALES

When you think that a naked wench cavorting in the snow is too good
to be true ? you're probably correct.

Giving someone flowers is rightfully considered a hostile action.

The Vilayet Sea is apparently the only known natural source of
Simian Growth Hormone.

It is never a good idea to give in to the impulse to flaunt your
Ophidian Ring-Bling before the servants.

Judges in any day and age just don't understand that the legal
phrase "contempt of court" might not have as passive a context as
they'd prefer.

The "Uni-bomber" existed in the Hyborian Age; his name was Thoth-
Amon.

Forgiveness is for wussies. All scores should be settled in
bloodletting. Or cesspool tossing.

A severed head is considered an aphrodisiac.

I bet Conan gets a sympathy twinge in his wrists every time he has
to ask an innkeeper to "put him up" for the night.

The quickest way into a girl's pants is to crush the air out of her
while covering her lips with kisses. For some odd reason this isn't
considered sexual harassment.

Thog would be a big hit at B&D and S&M soir?es.

Stygian pythons are the cats of the Hyborian Age world.

Pampered princess's have a more highly developed danger sense than
wilderness bred barbarians.

White Boo-tay is to die for.

That old fantasy where a "giant python" is jutting from between your
legs doesn't seem as funny when it turns and looks at you.

"First Mate" is the job's actual description, and you get a free lap
dance as a signing bonus.

"A sponge soaked with gall-spiked wine? Luxury! I hadda make do with
a mouthful of bloody vulture feathers, and I was glad for it!"
(apologies to Monty Python)

**************

Feel free to add your own...

Dale Rippke
************

[Valin]

All women have ivory shoulders and breasts. Even if they are naked pirate captains sailing below the Equator.

[Ironhand]

If you're a barbarian, you rush in where angels fear to tread.

[Taranaich]

If you think a judge is insane, it's perfectly alright to jump onto the pulpit and split his head open.

Didn't learn it from Conan, it's common practise for me.

[Strom]

The number of "lost" ruins in the Hyborian Age is second only to Conan's kill count.

[Ironhand]

If you capture a barbarian, kill him as expeditiously as possible. Do NOT wrap him in chains or imprison him in a cell while you prance smugly in front of him, bragging about how smart you are and how helpless he is.