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Conan The Big Dumb Barbarian

A parody

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#1 Ironhand

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Posted 26 January 2012 - 06:52 AM

I wrote this parody years ago, and only found it again recently (in January 2011). I was
originally prompted to write it by a discussion about whether or not Conan worked out to get, or
stay, in physical shape. I “blurted out” that Conan probably didn't even know what a chin up
was. Then after further thought, I came up with this.

Read it at
http://scrollsofiron...b Barbarian.pdf
in The Scrolls of Ironhand.

I don't have a forum section in the Scrolls, so you can comment on it here.
"Did you deem yourself strong, because you were able to twist the heads off civilized folk, poor weaklings with muscles like rotten string? Hell! Break the neck of a wild Cimmerian bull before you call yourself strong. I did that, before I was a full-grown man...!" - Conan, in "Shadows in Zamboula", by Robert E. Howard
"... you speak of Venarium familiarly. Perhaps you were there?"
"I was," grunted [Conan]. "I was one of the horde that swarmed over the hills. I hadn't yet seen fifteen snows, but already my name was repeated about the council fires." - "Beyond the Black River", by Robert E. Howard

Read my Conan screenplays at The Scrolls of Ironhand (in particular my transcription of THE FROST GIANT'S DAUGHTER in Act II of "The Snow Devil") at
http://www.scrollsof...d.us/index.html or at
http://www.delicious...ic=ConanProject

#2 Tex

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Posted 26 January 2012 - 07:49 AM

Ironhand, you owe me one (1) keyboard.

I LOVE it!

It takes the stereotypic image of Conan and stands it on it's head. The wench's name was a dead-on touch.

Well done, old boy!

Tex
(send Pulchria to help with my aching shoulder)

#3 ZackDavisson

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Posted 26 January 2012 - 08:40 PM

That reminds me (somewhat) of a scene in Marvel's old "What If?" comic where they did two "What if Conan were in modern times?" comics.

Conan goes to a gym and proceeds to kick everyone's ass, screaming something like "You gained your strength by lifting lumps of iron, while I gained mine fighting against death!"

#4 Dave the Rage

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Posted 27 January 2012 - 11:21 PM

Excellent! Laughed my socks off, exactly like Conan, sure of himself. proud to prove a civilised man wrong and confident. Nice indeed.

Can I use this and do it as a script for a few page comic strip? :)

my art: link
?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#5 Ironhand

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Posted 28 January 2012 - 06:48 AM

Excellent! Laughed my socks off, exactly like Conan, sure of himself. proud to prove a civilised man wrong and confident. Nice indeed.

Can I use this and do it as a script for a few page comic strip? :)

my art: link

With the greatest of pleasure and honor I invite you to have at. :) But can you make Pulchria somewhat prettier than the lady of the link? ;).

Just be sure to let us see the result.
"Did you deem yourself strong, because you were able to twist the heads off civilized folk, poor weaklings with muscles like rotten string? Hell! Break the neck of a wild Cimmerian bull before you call yourself strong. I did that, before I was a full-grown man...!" - Conan, in "Shadows in Zamboula", by Robert E. Howard
"... you speak of Venarium familiarly. Perhaps you were there?"
"I was," grunted [Conan]. "I was one of the horde that swarmed over the hills. I hadn't yet seen fifteen snows, but already my name was repeated about the council fires." - "Beyond the Black River", by Robert E. Howard

Read my Conan screenplays at The Scrolls of Ironhand (in particular my transcription of THE FROST GIANT'S DAUGHTER in Act II of "The Snow Devil") at
http://www.scrollsof...d.us/index.html or at
http://www.delicious...ic=ConanProject

#6 Dave the Rage

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Posted 28 January 2012 - 10:05 PM


Excellent! Laughed my socks off, exactly like Conan, sure of himself. proud to prove a civilised man wrong and confident. Nice indeed.

Can I use this and do it as a script for a few page comic strip? :)

my art: link

With the greatest of pleasure and honor I invite you to have at. :) But can you make Pulchria somewhat prettier than the lady of the link? ;).

Just be sure to let us see the result.

Chrs Iron, I will do my best to warrant to be beside your talented writing, (not sucking up either, loved this piece!) .

Will do a pretty waitress, more than Belit in mine, lol. I always hated nice curved Belit to be honest, more practical to have her be huge and muscley to be able to captain the ship of hers. :)
?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#7 Dave the Rage

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 12:22 AM

Iron


Excellent! Laughed my socks off, exactly like Conan, sure of himself. proud to prove a civilised man wrong and confident. Nice indeed.

Can I use this and do it as a script for a few page comic strip? :)

my art: link

With the greatest of pleasure and honor I invite you to have at. :) But can you make Pulchria somewhat prettier than the lady of the link? ;).

Just be sure to let us see the result.

Can you send me your real name Iron off post to add to the credits? Or I will just use Ironhand if you prefer.

Finished page 1 lol, took a while in between work and leisure. It is not as good as I hoped, as I never really drawn comic strip of Conan more just stills etc. But enjoying the learning curve. Trying to colour is harder than it looks, I thought hey its just like crayons (Wish it was!).

Any colourists out there wanna try and colour this better than me, grab and copy it from the link at bottom. :)

PAGE 1 Conan the Dumb Barbarian.

I added in a tribute to BWS in the form of the Elephant Tower, so they could make a hint at it before entering bar. If any ideas Iron for text, please feel free to send this :)

B&W Version: CTDB

I will putter away at this over the next week or two, so will probably not post many more till it is finished :)

Edited by Dave the Rage, 08 February 2012 - 12:24 AM.

?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#8 Dave the Rage

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 12:51 AM

PS, had a read of your other stuff, good work. Clonan (Maybe we should change the name on Dumb Barbar to get it printed lol).

I noticed your picture on your website. That is around the corner from where I live. http://www.devlin-fa...ndrumcastle.htm
?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#9 Ironhand

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 08:18 AM

You can get my real name from the "About" section of The Scrolls of Ironhand, which contains my capsule autobiography. The photo of me was taken in Wichita, Kansas - probably not around the corner from you.

I can hardly wait to see how this turns out. (I hope that isn't Pulchria in the opening scene.)

I didn't bother to write routine minor dialog like ordering ale, etc. Since I was writing a screenplay, I was willing to leave that to ad libs. Such could just as easily be pantomimed in a comic panel. Or whatever you like.
"Did you deem yourself strong, because you were able to twist the heads off civilized folk, poor weaklings with muscles like rotten string? Hell! Break the neck of a wild Cimmerian bull before you call yourself strong. I did that, before I was a full-grown man...!" - Conan, in "Shadows in Zamboula", by Robert E. Howard
"... you speak of Venarium familiarly. Perhaps you were there?"
"I was," grunted [Conan]. "I was one of the horde that swarmed over the hills. I hadn't yet seen fifteen snows, but already my name was repeated about the council fires." - "Beyond the Black River", by Robert E. Howard

Read my Conan screenplays at The Scrolls of Ironhand (in particular my transcription of THE FROST GIANT'S DAUGHTER in Act II of "The Snow Devil") at
http://www.scrollsof...d.us/index.html or at
http://www.delicious...ic=ConanProject

#10 Dave the Rage

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 07:52 PM

You can get my real name from the "About" section of The Scrolls of Ironhand, which contains my capsule autobiography. The photo of me was taken in Wichita, Kansas - probably not around the corner from you.

I can hardly wait to see how this turns out. (I hope that isn't Pulchria in the opening scene.)

I didn't bother to write routine minor dialog like ordering ale, etc. Since I was writing a screenplay, I was willing to leave that to ad libs. Such could just as easily be pantomimed in a comic panel. Or whatever you like.

Chrs, will add some free txt to keep it flowing etc.

I draw on A3 so the distance shots are always uglier than the close up versions. :) So Pulchria should be a fitting damsel to set foot and work in a down trodden pub in the back allies. A few missing teeth and hair falling out with stress and disease setting in to help her on her way. lol (Only kidding, will marvel it for her to be a seductress!).
?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#11 Ironhand

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 05:32 AM

Skanks and scags are miraculously transformed into gorgeous damsels whenever they appear in a Conan story. Pulchria is sexy enough to elicit a physical reaction (which we may not be able to see) while clinging frontally on Conan; hence the giggling, wriggling, and squealing, which of course accentuates the reaction.

Also it occurs to me that you may not want to draw 20 panels to show Conan doing 20 chin-ups. Maybe have the spectators counting out loud in unison "One...two...three..." etc.
"Did you deem yourself strong, because you were able to twist the heads off civilized folk, poor weaklings with muscles like rotten string? Hell! Break the neck of a wild Cimmerian bull before you call yourself strong. I did that, before I was a full-grown man...!" - Conan, in "Shadows in Zamboula", by Robert E. Howard
"... you speak of Venarium familiarly. Perhaps you were there?"
"I was," grunted [Conan]. "I was one of the horde that swarmed over the hills. I hadn't yet seen fifteen snows, but already my name was repeated about the council fires." - "Beyond the Black River", by Robert E. Howard

Read my Conan screenplays at The Scrolls of Ironhand (in particular my transcription of THE FROST GIANT'S DAUGHTER in Act II of "The Snow Devil") at
http://www.scrollsof...d.us/index.html or at
http://www.delicious...ic=ConanProject

#12 Dave the Rage

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Posted 11 February 2012 - 01:39 AM

Yeah was thinking that Iron, what I will do is steal from 2000AD, the do a fade to black while counting and then a fade in to 20 etc. Should look ok.

I finished P2, the colours are not that good but for a laugh they'll do the job. Would love a proper colourist?! :)

I have not done this much drawing for a while, but actually liking the challenge tbh.

P2: Link colour

P2: B&W

I am thinkin of nearly a hole page for Pulchia as she seems she might need it, as doing her small with felt tip pens is not doing her justice :)

(Need new brush pens and they are 70 bills, gonna wait till I really need them etc).....

I have a profesional word balloonist doing the txt, he worked for AD. Once you see the word balloons, I think it will tend to improve the crazy artwork abit. (I hope). :)

Edited by Dave the Rage, 11 February 2012 - 01:43 AM.

?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#13 Dave the Rage

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Posted 17 February 2012 - 03:13 AM

Page 3 done and dusted and they can be seen here together.
I had to add the idea of him slappin her ass so she could distract him before he bumps into Clonan, :)

Hope u like.

http://fantasy-unlim...om/apps/photos/

You need flash installed. And view in full screen mode.

Edited by Dave the Rage, 17 February 2012 - 03:15 AM.

?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#14 Dave the Rage

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Posted 24 February 2012 - 02:13 AM

P4 Added, slow but getting there. :)
?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#15 Dave the Rage

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Posted 07 March 2012 - 02:45 AM

P5 added, may end up being 10 pages :)
?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century

#16 Dave the Rage

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Posted 03 May 2012 - 02:36 PM

Done the art, just to add the text bubbles etc. Will do that over the week.

For a look at all 11 pages: link

Use the next link above art and not the ones at top, which are adverts. Hope you enjoy. :)

1st attempt at doing a story on a screen play by Ironhand. Be gentle. :P
?I do not accept as matter of belief certain things in this history, or rather fiction; for some things are diabolical superstitions, some are poetical inventions, some have the semblance of truth, some have not; and some are meant for the entertainment of fools.? Book of Leinster ? 12th century