Bookkeeper

Casting a traditional Conan is challenging, to be sure. I like the 13th Warrior guy someone submitted. I  assume that actor in question was the blond  bloke who played the noble but doomed warrior prince who dies of poison after defeating the bear-priestess and her warlord.  What an unbelievably great film that was. One of the unsung masterpieces of the genre.

But, kids, let's bite the hauberk and go the other way.

I'm talking about god-awful choices for the Cimmerian.

How about this:

Jason Alexander as the neurotic, parka-clad "nineties Manhattan" Conan? As a youth he survives being chased by pawn-broker/loan sharks through a snow-bound Central Park - stumbling upon the dead body of a hoary, skeletal money-lender. In desperation he tears a cash pouch from the lender's frosty dead fingers and uses the coinage to pay the debt - only to have the greedy usurious corpse reanimate and try to charge interest?

--Bookkeeper

Dear Conan,

Truth be told, I am a rather meek and retiring sort of fellow. Soft-spoken. Painfully slim. Somewhat hunch-backed. Gray-haired. I wear horn-rimmed spectacles, work as a bookkeeper, and favor button-down sweaters, slippers, and luke-warm herbal tea.

But recently I have noticed a young intern in the accounting department, perhaps fifteen years my junior. A pretty and, if I may be so bold, buxom woman. Her hair is fire-red. As are her lips. She seems to wear only mini-skirts and high heels. She's French. Her name is Gabriella Belit.

Several of the more virile menfolk of the office have been chasing after her, asking her out, pestering her at the watercooler.

Often have I wished to intercede and fend off these advances - for her benefit. But, to date, I find I always shy away at the last minute.

Yesterday I noticed she smiled at me as I filed tax returns away in the archive section.

When I saw the smile I felt - I don't know - different. Excited. I realized later that I had accidentally crushed my pencil in my hand when she smiled, drawing blood, in my intensity. That felt, I'm ashamed to say, thrillingly good...

I've also noticed my behavior has suddenly become more aggresive. I pushed one of the younger ad executives out of my way as I went to lunch yesterday. Astoundingly, I ordered - gulp - a very rare steak and ate it all - bare-handed. Then, to my own dismay, I loudly demanded a flagon of foamy ale at breakfast at Denny's this morning. The waiter brought me a bottle of Budweiser, with my two over-easy eggs - and looked at me oddly.

I'm afraid that tomorrow, if I see any of those young, preening bucks sniffing around Ms. Belit, I might do something awful. You see, last night, I found an old sword in my study and took to practicing with it - in the backyard - wearing just a loin cloth.

What's your advice, Conan?

Should I curb my desires and return to my bookish ways, or explore this new-found truculence and savagery and punish the young wolves for their advances?

And - once I get Ms. Belit alone, what should I do?

-Confused in the Bookkeeping Section